"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far. Far, far away."
"If you are a bird, I will be the tree that you come home to."
-- an odd amalgamation of Forest Gump (film) and The Runaway Bunny
In dealing with my toddler lately, I have reached several conclusions.
I love him, and his squishy, curly be-mopped self.
He must be smarter than me.
He better be glad he's cute and smart, because he drives me to drink heavily in the early afternoon and leave him in the doorsteps of strangers. The latter circumstance would undoubtedly end in the same strain as The Ransom of Red Chief, in which a boy is kidnapped, then returned to his parents. The recipients of my child would think he was cute at first, but within two, maybe four hours at the most, they'd be searching for me to just take him BACK.
I say most of this in jest. I'm reminded of the old quip, "The best revenge is living well." Or maybe, "Fight fire with fire..." Heck, I don't know. I find myself at the end of my rope lately. I have an almost two year old who still needs to be rocked to sleep for both nap and bed time. And taking a nap only happens maybe 30% of the time. And... and... he's slowly discovering that escape from his crib is possible. Because dealing with him in a toddler bed is going to be easier... ha!
For the first year, I listened to my instincts and took what I still consider to be the high road: my child has never cried himself to sleep alone in his crib. I *want* him to know he can rely on me. But when his 35 pound toddler frame is thrashing against my injured shoulder, when I really need him to be at his best and he's fighting sleep like a six month old, I realize it's time to put up some boundaries. We've started creating boundaries in other areas... but what we've been doing here was working so well until Paul went to Hawaii and left a certain little boy in the throes of major separation anxiety, we thought things would work themselves out.
I don't even know where to begin. At this point, cry it out (CIO) pretty much won't work. Even if it would, I still don't think I could possibly apply it. It seems cruel. However, I look at my friends' parenting relationships and realize they don't have sleep issues any longer, and I wonder what I'm supposed to do. The current system isn't working; continuing in the same dysfunctional way will only produce more of the same problems. Parenting the hard way is just that: hard. And emotionally exhausting. After I've dealt with nap time, I'm completely zapped most days. Not to mention dealing with a child who hasn't had enough rest for weeks and is surly and ridiculous as a result.
Ideas (other than CIO) are welcome. I'm tired.
27 November, 2012
23 November, 2012
15 November, 2012
The State of Stillness
What's the state of my union? Stillness. Quietness. Learning.
Rehab on my ankle is making progress. We're still in the process of killing all inflammation and making the tendon happy. After that, after my demonstration of serious patience, starts the work. We'll be working to strengthen the muscles in my foot (feet... why do one when you can do both?) to hold my bones up better. As per Dr. Johnson, my tendons aren't holding my bones together. At all. So when I run (stand, stretch, do anything...) my bones are rubbing together. Hence, pain in my joint. Add to that an angry posterior tibial tendon, and you got a recipe for me, a sidelined athlete. I have stretches I do every day; I told Leslie (my therapist...) that I would be able to get my heels on the floor in downward facing dog. That's never happened before.
But that's ok. My shoulder is getting better, too, slowly but surely. I'm giving it lots of tender, loving care. I really hope by Sunday, I'll feel up to doing the one thing I've been cleared to do: put the bike on the trainer. You know you're in sad shape when you're excited to lock yourself away in the pain cave!
But in all this stillness, I'm learning and realizing things. Hard work comes in the form of long runs and rides, basebuilding activity that is more challenging than any interval or track workout. For about a year, I grew in preference of hill repeats, sprints, and the like, and often neglected the bread and butter of any training plan.
My future as I want it to be is slowly building in my mind... not in the form of plans, on which I so often relied before, but on goals. Things I want to do, so badly I can taste them. My desires for my career have changed drastically... it'll be a proverbial long run to reach those goals. I am so driven, though, I won't give up. I've spent far too long waiting and listening, like the Israelites in the desert, perusing possible mistakes only to turn from them, to get to where I am, even now.
Other goals? They're more loose, unfocused ideas. Things that float through my head, little glimpses, as in a dream. Treading along, running into the finish line in races. Cruising down a hill, the wind in my face. Paul, me, and the Hobbes-it living in a million different places. A little curly headed boy, playing with his sister who looks not-so-similar, but is ours nonetheless, whom I've loved for so long even though I won't know her until the time is right. Experiencing a sand storm someplace no one thinks a girl like me should go, and being there with a purpose, with love in my heart. Pancakes on Sunday morning with the sun shining through, warm coffee in my little bicycle mug. Proceeding through my life and letting my light shine. This makes me tear up.
Rehab on my ankle is making progress. We're still in the process of killing all inflammation and making the tendon happy. After that, after my demonstration of serious patience, starts the work. We'll be working to strengthen the muscles in my foot (feet... why do one when you can do both?) to hold my bones up better. As per Dr. Johnson, my tendons aren't holding my bones together. At all. So when I run (stand, stretch, do anything...) my bones are rubbing together. Hence, pain in my joint. Add to that an angry posterior tibial tendon, and you got a recipe for me, a sidelined athlete. I have stretches I do every day; I told Leslie (my therapist...) that I would be able to get my heels on the floor in downward facing dog. That's never happened before.
But that's ok. My shoulder is getting better, too, slowly but surely. I'm giving it lots of tender, loving care. I really hope by Sunday, I'll feel up to doing the one thing I've been cleared to do: put the bike on the trainer. You know you're in sad shape when you're excited to lock yourself away in the pain cave!
But in all this stillness, I'm learning and realizing things. Hard work comes in the form of long runs and rides, basebuilding activity that is more challenging than any interval or track workout. For about a year, I grew in preference of hill repeats, sprints, and the like, and often neglected the bread and butter of any training plan.
My future as I want it to be is slowly building in my mind... not in the form of plans, on which I so often relied before, but on goals. Things I want to do, so badly I can taste them. My desires for my career have changed drastically... it'll be a proverbial long run to reach those goals. I am so driven, though, I won't give up. I've spent far too long waiting and listening, like the Israelites in the desert, perusing possible mistakes only to turn from them, to get to where I am, even now.
Other goals? They're more loose, unfocused ideas. Things that float through my head, little glimpses, as in a dream. Treading along, running into the finish line in races. Cruising down a hill, the wind in my face. Paul, me, and the Hobbes-it living in a million different places. A little curly headed boy, playing with his sister who looks not-so-similar, but is ours nonetheless, whom I've loved for so long even though I won't know her until the time is right. Experiencing a sand storm someplace no one thinks a girl like me should go, and being there with a purpose, with love in my heart. Pancakes on Sunday morning with the sun shining through, warm coffee in my little bicycle mug. Proceeding through my life and letting my light shine. This makes me tear up.
01 November, 2012
They tried to make me go to rehab...
And I said, "Oh, okay."
I got my prescription for physical therapy for my ankle today. Six to eight weeks, and see where I stand at the end of that. If that doesn't do the trick, there is surgery as the final option, which Dr. Johnson says, "will fix it."
But hey, you guys thought I forgot about writing about my life, didn't you? I didn't... I've just been a little busy :) My husband is off in paradise, and while I've been lucky enough to have my mother taking care of Hobbes for a few days, in the spirit of raining = pouring, I haven't stopped. Yesterday the HVAC broke... on Halloween. Busy, busy.
I dropped my bike off with my friend Stephen to play with... he has a road bike, I have my tri bike, and he wanted to try to break a challenging time on a long course. So off my bikey goes with a faster rider than me :D When I dropped off the bike, we were talking about my wreck, as well as one he had, and how it was because of a silly mistake I made. (Not looking where I was riding...) His comment, "You lose focus for one second..." My response, "Lesson learned... always look where you're riding."
Here comes the spiritual side... not a spiritual person? Stop here :D
*DING* Always look where you're riding. Every message I receive lately reminds me that if you don't look where you're riding, you're gonna ride right off into the ditch. Overcorrect, and you may end up with a proverbial jammed shoulder. I'm having so many "Aha" moments lately. (I like the phrase, "Aha." It reminds me of one of my favorite professors, Dr. Bond... he threw a book at a girl in class. He was that kind of guy... he would write "Aha" on my papers often when I would finally get to the point. I always told Jessie Stories.) I told you guys about one in vague address in a recent post. So... Hold Fast to your handlebars (or in aero...), keep your eyes on the road so you don't go into the ditch, eyes on the prize. Sometimes you have to pedal quietly, in a still fashion, listening, like if you know there's a doggie at a house... waiting, and ready to pedal really hard if that dog appears and gives chase. And I guess that's where I am right now: pedaling quietly along, feeling like I'm not going anywhere, and waiting for the dog to give chase and cause a major trajectory.
And... I finally did something I've been meaning to do for, like, a year.
I'll post pictures as it heals... it looks even better a couple days later. Thanks to Nevada Lutes at Revolution in Tullahoma. Excellent work... and he bikes, too. Comrades in bikey arms.
I got my prescription for physical therapy for my ankle today. Six to eight weeks, and see where I stand at the end of that. If that doesn't do the trick, there is surgery as the final option, which Dr. Johnson says, "will fix it."
But hey, you guys thought I forgot about writing about my life, didn't you? I didn't... I've just been a little busy :) My husband is off in paradise, and while I've been lucky enough to have my mother taking care of Hobbes for a few days, in the spirit of raining = pouring, I haven't stopped. Yesterday the HVAC broke... on Halloween. Busy, busy.
I dropped my bike off with my friend Stephen to play with... he has a road bike, I have my tri bike, and he wanted to try to break a challenging time on a long course. So off my bikey goes with a faster rider than me :D When I dropped off the bike, we were talking about my wreck, as well as one he had, and how it was because of a silly mistake I made. (Not looking where I was riding...) His comment, "You lose focus for one second..." My response, "Lesson learned... always look where you're riding."
Here comes the spiritual side... not a spiritual person? Stop here :D
*DING* Always look where you're riding. Every message I receive lately reminds me that if you don't look where you're riding, you're gonna ride right off into the ditch. Overcorrect, and you may end up with a proverbial jammed shoulder. I'm having so many "Aha" moments lately. (I like the phrase, "Aha." It reminds me of one of my favorite professors, Dr. Bond... he threw a book at a girl in class. He was that kind of guy... he would write "Aha" on my papers often when I would finally get to the point. I always told Jessie Stories.) I told you guys about one in vague address in a recent post. So... Hold Fast to your handlebars (or in aero...), keep your eyes on the road so you don't go into the ditch, eyes on the prize. Sometimes you have to pedal quietly, in a still fashion, listening, like if you know there's a doggie at a house... waiting, and ready to pedal really hard if that dog appears and gives chase. And I guess that's where I am right now: pedaling quietly along, feeling like I'm not going anywhere, and waiting for the dog to give chase and cause a major trajectory.
And... I finally did something I've been meaning to do for, like, a year.
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