It's an incantation I often recite when an interval hurts on the bike. Just a little longer. Just one more spin of my wheels. Just a little more effort.
"It's not forever, it's not forever, it's not forever."
Things have been kind of crappy for me lately, I guess. My health nose-dive affected my plans for the beginning of my season, and really scared me in general. Obviously, I've done my fair share of worrying. If I had tied a knot in a rope for all the sleepless moments, the days spent frenetically worried for my future as a human being, much less a cyclist... well, I'd have a knotted mess.
Alternately, I've been working hard at managing how I feel inside. Each moment spent unknotting the mass of twists and turns, ripping out the seams, has been nearly therapeutic. I feel like from this experience I've learned to go inside myself and be okay even when things aren't quite right. To tell myself, over and over, that what I'm experiencing is transient. It isn't overtaking me. And if it is, I'll learn to grow into it.
"It isn't forever, it isn't forever, it isn't forever."
Like Kimmy Schmidt turning away at the handcrank ten times, ten times, ten times, because "anyone can handle anything for ten seconds..." I've found myself working through things in the same way an elephant becomes a feast: step by step, bite by bite.*
"It's not forever, it isn't forever."
I wish someone had told me this five years ago, when the early mom days felt endless and a lot more like work than I could have expected. I think people did, though, and through the blur of bleary eyes and tired heart from too much love, I just couldn't hear them, or didn't understand the language they spoke. But it really wasn't forever, and part of me feels like a sweet little part of my life is slipping away like little grains of sand. I'm trying to enjoy that bittersweet moment in time, too, though, because all things are beautiful in their windswept movement, this perpetual chasing of life in the face of entropy.
"It's not forever, it's not forever, it's not forever..."
On and on I'll say this to myself. When I feel frantic, restless, like a stranger lost at sea, or a wanderer in a neverending land that has no map. When I feel happy, loved, full. One incantation.
"It's not forever, it's not forever, it's not forever."
In the moments when parenting feels hard. In the moments when parenting feels rewarding.
"It's not forever, it's not forever, it's not forever."
After the pedal strokes begin to burn my legs and heart and lungs. After the summit comes.
"It's not forever, it's not forever, it's not forever. It's not forever."
It's just a moment in time. On the edge of the precipice, hanging on tight. I don't remember the darkness that hovered over me. I remember the triumph. I remember the moments where I gave that little bit more effort. I remember the reward. I see the end product, and I remember that I got there by telling myself one thing. One incantation, one sweet refrain...
*No elephants were harmed in the making of this post. Just tons of Lucky Charms. I'm not so sure I'd want to eat an elephant anyway.
06 April, 2016
A Gentle PSA About Getting Your Dang Vitamins and Minerals In.
I know, I know. It seems trop obvi.: get the right nutrients to fuel your body. Right? Wrong.
Right after Christmas, I started feeling lousy. All. the. time. allthetime. Legs always swelling, grumpy, weight out of control, appetite out of control, sleeping terribly, waking up at 4:00 am starving. And then, as January became February, and my training began to really ramp up for spring races, came the most debilitating exhaustion I have experienced since Hobbes passed the six month mark, heart palpitations/PVCs popping up like dandelions in my yard in spring, and legs that constantly felt like I had just finished a century, even with a couple of weeks rest. I was struggling to get out of bed, much less hit numbers on the bike.
I thought I was overtraining, but my hours on the bike indicated otherwise... and if I was overtraining, a couple of weeks of rest should have put a lot of change in my energy bank. And it didn't. My nutrition was off, for sure. I was trying to lose weight (see my previous post), and I was consuming massive amounts of caffeine because I was so exhausted. I know I have a serious caffeine sensitivity, and really should have been smarter. On the other hand, I was in a serious brain fog in which I could barely remember my own name; I can't say I blame myself.
Where am I going with this? Get your blood panels done regularly, especially if you're an athlete. Mineral and vitamin deficiencies often mimic the signs of overtraining, and if you're killing it on the bike, in the gym, or on foot, you're more at risk than the general population. If you're overdue for a wellness check, go as soon as possible. I found out I was seriously iron deficient/anemic, deficient in vitamin D, and a laundry list of other issues. While sure, it's better to glean all nutrition from whole foods, there is no shame in supplementing. The hit to my fitness is troublesome, but deficiencies are also bad for overall health, and can be dangerous. Not only do I want to be insanely fit and fast, I also want to be the healthiest, best me I can be. That is at the root of what I do for fun: the adventure is secondary to what has always been a health booster for me.
My legs and body are slowly coming back to life from being oxygen- and nutrient-starved. I have good days and bad days. I have a long way to go to being race-ready, but I'm enjoying the more relaxed atmosphere I've been able to create for myself under these conditions. I have no expectations for any ride, or long term expectations. I hope in the end I can come back with a stronger body, mind, and soul for this experience, and I'm sure I will with the freedom I'm giving myself.
Right after Christmas, I started feeling lousy. All. the. time. allthetime. Legs always swelling, grumpy, weight out of control, appetite out of control, sleeping terribly, waking up at 4:00 am starving. And then, as January became February, and my training began to really ramp up for spring races, came the most debilitating exhaustion I have experienced since Hobbes passed the six month mark, heart palpitations/PVCs popping up like dandelions in my yard in spring, and legs that constantly felt like I had just finished a century, even with a couple of weeks rest. I was struggling to get out of bed, much less hit numbers on the bike.
I thought I was overtraining, but my hours on the bike indicated otherwise... and if I was overtraining, a couple of weeks of rest should have put a lot of change in my energy bank. And it didn't. My nutrition was off, for sure. I was trying to lose weight (see my previous post), and I was consuming massive amounts of caffeine because I was so exhausted. I know I have a serious caffeine sensitivity, and really should have been smarter. On the other hand, I was in a serious brain fog in which I could barely remember my own name; I can't say I blame myself.
Where am I going with this? Get your blood panels done regularly, especially if you're an athlete. Mineral and vitamin deficiencies often mimic the signs of overtraining, and if you're killing it on the bike, in the gym, or on foot, you're more at risk than the general population. If you're overdue for a wellness check, go as soon as possible. I found out I was seriously iron deficient/anemic, deficient in vitamin D, and a laundry list of other issues. While sure, it's better to glean all nutrition from whole foods, there is no shame in supplementing. The hit to my fitness is troublesome, but deficiencies are also bad for overall health, and can be dangerous. Not only do I want to be insanely fit and fast, I also want to be the healthiest, best me I can be. That is at the root of what I do for fun: the adventure is secondary to what has always been a health booster for me.
My legs and body are slowly coming back to life from being oxygen- and nutrient-starved. I have good days and bad days. I have a long way to go to being race-ready, but I'm enjoying the more relaxed atmosphere I've been able to create for myself under these conditions. I have no expectations for any ride, or long term expectations. I hope in the end I can come back with a stronger body, mind, and soul for this experience, and I'm sure I will with the freedom I'm giving myself.
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