Public Speaking, You Scare Me

It's a long story, and I can't start at the beginning because I'm not sure where it all started.

I'll start at a reasonable juncture. In January, my friend Kylene asked if I would like to teach yoga at a special spa day at the MOPS group I used to attend. I gladly agreed, but the event was a snow out, so we planned to possibly do it this month instead. When I touched base to see if plans were still on, Kylene told me that plans had changed, but I was welcome to come to the meeting anyway and catch up with everyone and even speak about my time in MOPS and its impact in my life if I would like. I told her I would love to come. And how public speaking is tough for me, but that if I felt moved, I would speak. I really had no plans to speak, Kylene!

MOPS was so good to me, though, and that kept tapping at my backdoor. Then another MOPSie friend shared something via social media, and talked about experiencing the SAME EMOTIONS. That pushed me a little closer. And this morning I woke and said to myself, "Well, maybe I'll share." I got ready to go, and as I was fixing my hair (what?) I realized I had these words floating around that needed desperately to be set free and heard. I sent Kylene a message and committed, because I knew if I didn't I would make excuses and not stand and use my voice.

I stood in front of a room full of women with eyes and ears, and I spoke. This is what I said, paraphrased because no one remembers what they said afterward:

"It's worth noting since I'm standing up here in front of you all that I am terrible at and terrified of public speaking. I have notes here, but I will invariably forget to say things that I meant to say, and will say things I didn't plan. I want to warn you.

I'm so happy to say I am an alumna of MOPS. I love the organization and their mission, and I'm so grateful for the friends I've made here. Hobbes was a surprise; we had never planned to have kids. So I didn't know who I was anymore when I came to MOPS. I felt very set adrift, as if on a boat, with no map or compass or stars to navigate by. 

I used to teach yoga at the Rec Center here, and Patricia came to my class sometimes. I thought she was a pretty cool girl, and that we should get to know each other. We would chat after class, and one day she mentioned MOPS and told me the new session was starting soon, and that I should come.

I am excruciatingly, painfully introverted. I prefer invisibility to being seen, anonymity. Don't look at me. So I feel like MOPS is where I learned to be more open, and how to make adult friends. 

We were in a budget crunch at my house at the time of the first meeting; I don't remember why. My husband, Paul, asked me if it was absolutely necessary to spend $35 to go make friends with other moms, why couldn't I go do that at the playground? But I know myself, and knew that I of all people wouldn't go to the playground and actually talk to other moms. That's terrifying!

So I came here, and I am terrible at making friends and meeting new people, but I also like to make myself really uncomfortable, and choose to be comfortable doing it. I mean, that's why I'm up here talking to all of you right now, in the interest of being comfortable being uncomfortable. And I met all these amazing moms, and I found a safe place where I could be my messy self and no one cared, because they were messy too, and it was wonderful. Accept the mess, because there's beauty in there.

It's easy to look at the world around us and say, "We can't come together on things and solve big problems," but MOPS has shown me that we can set aside our differences and become friends. My group was a group of women from different faiths, beliefs, places and origins, and we're all here because we're moms. I look around the room here, and I see the same is true now. That's amazing, that MOPS helps us build friendships of kindness, empathy, and encouragement.

MOPS has also shown me what society can be when we come together under commonality, and what we as women and mothers can do. I firmly believe we could change everything for the better if the reins were turned over to us. I mean, we can convince tiny toddler terrorists to go to bed, and not want to run out the front door afterward. Well, maybe we want to run, but that's ok. That takes strength, and it's beautiful to see that. 

I'm extremely grateful for what MOPS has done for me. I'm a better person for my time here. I'm trying new things, thanks to the encouragement of my friends from MOPS. I'm writing and sewing and making beautiful things. I am so thankful for that, and for the person I am for this group."

Moving Forward Fearlessly. Or Attempting.

I am the sort to be bogged down by decisions, by projects with no clearly defined parameters, by ideas with no path to execution. As a creative person, this fear has been a roadblock. A wall, ten thousand feet high, built of fear of failure, terror at the idea of commitment, trepidation at choice. Choice of the wrong path. So I make no choice. I think about what I will do, and I wait in the place where all I do is ponder. Because thinking is safe. Lack of effort is safe. No attempt is safe. I let myself stay there for a long time, locking the cell from the inside against feelings of inadequacy. I was safe there, but not free. The key was overthinking.

Thinking, thought... the catalyst of my creative process. But I can't allow the fire to die there. Unlock the door, let the oxygen in the room so the fire can breathe. Open the door and let the fire out to explore and burn up the world so it can be born anew.

Are you thinking about doing something? Something big, something new, an adventure? Is there something you want to do physically? Don't wait. Try. Give your enterprise your effort. That's where the magic happens. Books don't write themselves entirely in your head. Headstands don't happen because you look at pictures of inversions on the IG. You don't get faster or stronger purely by dreaming. Your hamstrings don't stretch themselves. Recipes don't cook or bake by sitting on your counter. New skills are learned in the doing. If you want something, ask. Designs don't turn to reality without your handiwork.

Are you afraid? I am, too. It's okay. It's normal. Go ahead and do it anyway.