The State of Stillness

What's the state of my union? Stillness. Quietness. Learning.

Rehab on my ankle is making progress. We're still in the process of killing all inflammation and making the tendon happy. After that, after my demonstration of serious patience, starts the work. We'll be working to strengthen the muscles in my foot (feet... why do one when you can do both?) to hold my bones up better. As per Dr. Johnson, my tendons aren't holding my bones together. At all. So when I run (stand, stretch, do anything...) my bones are rubbing together. Hence, pain in my joint. Add to that an angry posterior tibial tendon, and you got a recipe for me, a sidelined athlete. I have stretches I do every day; I told Leslie (my therapist...) that I would be able to get my heels on the floor in downward facing dog. That's never happened before.

But that's ok. My shoulder is getting better, too, slowly but surely. I'm giving it lots of tender, loving care. I really hope by Sunday, I'll feel up to doing the one thing I've been cleared to do: put the bike on the trainer. You know you're in sad shape when you're excited to lock yourself away in the pain cave!

But in all this stillness, I'm learning and realizing things. Hard work comes in the form of long runs and rides, basebuilding activity that is more challenging than any interval or track workout. For about a year, I grew in preference of hill repeats, sprints, and the like, and often neglected the bread and butter of any training plan.

My future as I want it to be is slowly building in my mind... not in the form of plans, on which I so often relied before, but on goals. Things I want to do, so badly I can taste them. My desires for my career have changed drastically... it'll be a proverbial long run to reach those goals. I am so driven, though, I won't give up. I've spent far too long waiting and listening, like the Israelites in the desert, perusing possible mistakes only to turn from them, to get to where I am, even now.

Other goals? They're more loose, unfocused ideas. Things that float through my head, little glimpses, as in a dream. Treading along, running into the finish line in races. Cruising down a hill, the wind in my face. Paul, me, and the Hobbes-it living in a million different places. A little curly headed boy, playing with his sister who looks not-so-similar, but is ours nonetheless, whom I've loved for so long even though I won't know her until the time is right. Experiencing a sand storm someplace no one thinks a girl like me should go, and being there with a purpose, with love in my heart. Pancakes on Sunday morning with the sun shining through, warm coffee in my little bicycle mug. Proceeding through my life and letting my light shine. This makes me tear up.