Growth

Those moments, when nothing works out like you expected. You're typing and the words don't come like the usual raging torrent because your mind is all awhir with thoughts that don't have lexicon. Or you're spinning your legs, but once again can't hang on. Or all you want to do is take a day break from adulthood, because sometimes it sucks, and sit in a hotel pool and drink champagne all day. Days like that, they can make or break you, in the short and long term, and its all in how you approach them, I suppose.

I have rides lately where my fitness isn't what I expect it to be. I'm realizing, though, that occasionally I have to look beyond the day-to-day assessment of my fitness level to look at the trend of where I am globally. Am I stronger than last year? Probably... athletic metrics feel fuzzy to me sometimes when I try to examine the data.

But maybe there are other areas of growth that will contribute to my future success. Forging through on the days when the words feel all wrong as they flow from my fingertips to the keyboard to the screen to the world, like I find myself doing today. (My post-ride beer could be to blame.) My thoughts seemed eloquent earlier today; here I am now, shuffling through this.

Those low-fitness-feeling days have felt like that. Shuffling through, not hanging onto wheels. On the other side of these rides where I've been disappointed with my performance, though, I'm seeing through a different viewfinder. One that shows me that while I'm not as fast as I was a few weeks ago -- I have been sick -- I'm growing as an athlete in other ways, other than the explosive growth I experienced toward the end of the summer. I no longer need the husband or a friend to constantly hang on with me. When I find myself alone, with people to chase, I keep seeing myself mentally buckle down, and tell myself things like, "This is where I'm the strongest." I hope someday this growth will benefit me, when I'm strong enough to be the girl off the front in the breakaway. Because I know that day is coming, because I'm working hard for it. And when that day comes, I'll know I'm strong all by myself.

Posts when I forge through, they prepare me for days when maybe, if I work hard, this thing gets bigger. These things I want, these goals, they're within my reach.

My last thought, because I somehow can't weave it in elsewhere:
        I get nowhere good by beating myself up if I have a bad day. Positivity, and the belief that I can handle the rough days, that's a driving force for good. The trying times are doors that open to a wider world, with bigger experiences, as long as I handle them as obstacles through which I can grow, instead of brick walls against which to bang my head. This works for all facets of my life: writing, riding, relationships. I want to learn to appreciate the experience of growth more. I think I am.