Self Confident: A few thoughts

What separates us from who we were, in essence, born to become? Even outside the realm of destiny, most of us are gifted in some way or another, and if we have the courage to follow the treasures in that chest inside us, a world opens up to us anew. Why aren't more of us leveling up and discovering next level happiness, success, joy, love, openness?

I was sitting in yoga on Saturday morning, flowing through a sequence, guided by a friend, ujjayi breath streaming in and out, like the waves on a shore, and I caught myself doing it. Monitoring myself, hoping I looked legit. This isn't anything new.

My love language is affirmation. (And gifts and time and... I'm needy. I think I always have been.) Especially - particularly - if I exhibit some level of skill at an activity. It seems aptitude digs the hole deeper instead of filling it, like if the dozer missed the well by three feet and instead of striking water, the workers dig for thirty feet only to find no springs or aquifers.

I am that empty pit, depths dark and cold. It's hard to fill, and I often try to do so via comparison. It's a bad habit, and I can't remember a time when comparison wasn't a black chip in my brain. If someone dug into my gray matter, I'm sure they would find a chunk of mysterious matter that sits deep in there, driving me to seek affirmation in my own soul via comparison.

I caught myself, though, working to fill in the hole with buckets of lies, and that's when it happened. We were in downward facing dog, and I thought to myself, "It doesn't have to be this way. I don't have to feel like this." And I thought of myself in a bubble, separate from the world, and I knew that in that void, I would still... know. If I put in the work, I will meet my goals, and that has nothing to do with anyone else. I will see the fear, and I will nod and say, "Hello there, old friend," because the fear is there because I am following a worthwhile path.

Self confidence is the quiet awareness that I am the vessel, here to enjoy my work and my play. It is knowing life is practice, and perfection is elusive at best. It's waking up and doing the work every day, and leaving nothing to chance. It isn't a checklist, to be compared with your neighbor's work. Comparison is built on a foundation of fear: terror that what you do will never be enough. Confidence is your work, your fun, and yours alone. Your effort, your kindness, your love, that is the source of confidence.