Do you plunge over the top?
Do you dive through the center, bubbles swirling around you?
Do you swim sideways, rolling over and under?
Do you swim away, allowing the wave to push you back to your starting point?
What if there is no single correct answer, and all you need to do is simply take action? The wave is coming, regardless of your choice.
We are all alive, and then we die. This awareness seeds anxiety deep in my heart. That seed germinates and blooms into fear of failure and too much pressure.
I've started things later than most, finally trusting myself to spin tales and create beautiful, sometimes eccentric, things to behold, to read, to wear. All because I chose to explore and see what actually waited to be uncovered on the inside. It took so long to get to the start.
Bad habits are old friends with bad influence, and I've known them so long I find it hard to end the acquaintance. I stop exploring, and start building out of expectation, forgetting that Rome wasn't built in a day. I want it all, and I want it now. Because I see my talent and giftedness, and I am impatient for the reward of what is sometimes lonely work, toiling away at something I divined up out of my mind.
And I am reluctant to take the risk of sharing, not just with friends, but also the people who could make or break me. This reticence makes me feel hopeless. Like I'm never going to meet my goals of creating for a living.
I catch myself in the quagmire of self doubt, then say to myself, "What if someone could teach me to do this thing I already know how to do?" because this feels safe, like a fail proof, when a life of creativity never will be fail proof. And that, that truth, is the secret that has scared me away for at least thirteen years, and hindered me being my most true self.
I want freedom and reliance together, and sometimes those concepts are mutually exclusive. If I want to grow my creative self, it is imperative that I choose to embrace the danger-or-adventure of taking the plunge below the surface to become part of the wave and embrace it; I think this is the best choice for me. Soaking myself instead of protecting myself, indulging in the joy of deeper exploration of just what I have to offer, and sloughing off expectation as I go.
So, for me, I think the time has come to go deep.
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